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Tag Archive 'Primal Avoidance'

Sep 17 2014

Anger, Betrayal and Giving Up: How Break-ups Work and Don’t Work

Film director John Cassavettes said, “Life is a series of attempts to avoid being exposed as a fool. But in the effort to do this we make even bigger fools of ourselves.  Most of the arguments between men and women are based on someone’s inability to express what they really mean. “

Ending a romance that isn’t working anymore is like killing a pet to put it out of its misery. Almost everyone I know has had to do this. How do you cope with it?
There is a range of responses.
Dorothy Parker, at midlife, once said that every new relationship is a shade paler than the previous one. She always had a way of making her bitterness funny.
I have a good friend who owns a small business with eight employees. Over five years he’s had to fire several people. “And yet,” he said, “every time I been able to find someone better, and as result my business improved.”

Takes Two to Not Tango

Unlike putting a pet to “sleep,” a break-up is almost always a joint decision.
There’s some superficial maneuvering between the partners about who pulls the plug and takes the blame. But when you look carefully, you can see how they did it together, how his refusal met her refusal and her refusal met his.
If they can see only this much, then they have a good chance of remaining friends afterwards; otherwise, not so much.
Painful break ups are often good for both partners and less painful than continuing. Like repairing a broken mirror, it’s better to abandon it than cut yourself up trying to fix it.
People who have once loved each other dearly don’t break up lightly; but they do break up. The test of how wise the people are is not whether or not they’ve stayed together but whether, after the break up, they see why it was a good idea for both of them.
A break up means one of two things was true about the relationship.

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