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Tag Archive 'men'

Aug 17 2010

Physical attraction?


It’s not the only factor in choosing a mate. Probably you could sort all the reasons why you would want a relationship with someone into three categories.

First, there is just the animal connection. Every creature on earth, bugs, fish, birds, marsupials and mammals comes in two sexes. The animal connection is important and it is deep. But it’s not all.

We are also social animals and we live in tribes and families and communities and cultures, all with intricate demands which we honor. Any mating of two people has to answer to social realities.

And finally, we are spiritual animals. We each believe that our individual lives do matter and we care about how we use this gift of our life.

So in the great scheme of things, as important as physical chemistry is, it is not the whole taco. Even so, it is not to be ignored. Here is a quiz to help you think about some of the aspect of physical chemistry. All the answers are based on psychological research. Answer each question, true or false.

1. Physical Chemistry (PC) develops over time.
False. Relationships can develop over time. Social and spiritual considerations can outweigh matters of physical chemistry. But PC is immediate. It is an animal response. It is connected to immediate sense perception, and it is based on mechanisms which evolved over the million years when humans were just another kind of wild animal.

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May 20 2010

Physical Attraction True False Quiz

Physical attraction?

Very important.

It’s not the only factor in choosing a mate. Probably you could sort all the reasons why you would want a relationship with someone into three categories.

First, there is just the animal connection. Every creature on earth bugs, fish, birds, marsupials and mammals comes in two sexes. The animal connection is important and it is deep. But it’s not all.

We are also social animals and we live in tribes and families and communities and cultures, all with intricate demands which we honor. Any mating of two people has to answer to social realities.

And finally, we are spiritual animals. We each believe that our individual lives do matter and we care about how we use this gift of our life.

So in the great scheme of things, as important as physical chemistry is, it is not the whole taco. Even so, it is not to be ignored. Here is a quiz to help you think about some of the aspect of physical chemistry. All the answers are based on psychological research. Answer each question, true or false.

1. Physical Chemistry develops over time.
False. Relationships can develop over time. Social and spiritual considerations can outweigh matters of physical chemistry. But physical chemistry is immediate. It is an animal response. It is connected to immediate sense perception, and it is based on mechanisms which evolved over the million years when humans were just another kind of wild animal.

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May 20 2010

“Okay. What’s this guy really like?”

Will Your Partner Treat You Well?
By Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Director, Dating At Midlife Research Project

When people first enter into relationships, they are generally on their best behavior. However, even in the early stages, new couples reveal how they will treat each other in the future. The problem is that this critical information is often obscured by the swarm of other new information that comes when you first meet someone.

So how do you know how someone is going to treat you over the long haul when you are just starting a relationship? There are loads of clues. Here are some of them. (I’m going to talk about how women can read men. The same principles apply in the other direction.)

How Does He Treat His Male Friends?
I have a friend who has loads of people he’s angry at, who did him wrong, who he doesn’t speak to anymore. I thought I was the exception to all those other people. This was my vanity. The inevitable happened, and one day I found myself on the other end of the same kind of fight he’d been describing.

What If He Says That He Treats Women Differently?
This is courtship behavior. However, when it’s time to deal with differences in situations of conflict, people actually treat men and women much the same. If they have a tendency to bully, intimidate and be aggressive, that comes out. If they have a tendency to manipulate and be dishonest, that comes out. And if they are fair, forgiving and direct, that comes out as well.

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Sep 24 2009

What you want to think about if you are Dating Online

Published by under Advice

(This is an article by the late and brilliant Sue Price.)

Dating Online

by Susan Price, M.A.
Ask more questions, or let us know whether you personal experiences with dating online have been good or bad. we will publish interesting answers! Write me here! – Sue Price

Hi Sue,

I noticed you mentioned once about online personals. I have tried this before with some, shall I say, discomfort. Still, I feel it’s time to make more of an effort to make friends. It appears a lot of dating in the 90’s-2000’s is based online. I am wondering how to write an effective profile and also if you have any site recommendations.

Thanks, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

Thanks for your question! It’s one I am happy to answer in detail. I think the two best sites are Matchmaker.com and Match.com. Match.com is probably the best. I think it’s very important to put a picture up, because far more men answer profiles with pictures, even if they’re not just looking for very good looking women. A picture sort of “personalizes” your profile!

Make it an attractive one that is recent, and close enough to what you look like now that a man could recognize you from it when he meets you. If you don’t have any recent pictures, buy one of those cheap disposable cameras they sell in all the drugstores, preferably one with a flash, and have a friend fill it up with a variety of pictures of you. Then, when you take it in to be developed, ask the store to put the results “on disk”. That makes it easy to put up on your chosen singles dating website.

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Sep 24 2009

Single at Midlife and What That Means

By Philip Belove, Ed.D.

This is a site for midlife single adults. Their needs are different than those of younger people. Here is a short overview of the unique situation of the midlife single. If you are under 25 and single, you are single simply. If you are over 40 and single, you are single with an explanation. You have a story to tell about it.

There are two important points here. First, maturing means learning to live with your own story. Second, reconciling yourself to your story is easier when you see how it is also the story of your times. You are not alone, even in how you construct your private relationships you follow the social rules of your time – and those social rules are changing. I want to expand on both these points starting with the connection between your story and the story of your times.

We live in unusual times as far as intimate relationships are concerned. We live in a culture that supports leaving them.

According to 1995 census figures, of the adults between 45 and 65, roughly 30% are not married. Most are not married because of divorce. A significant portion has been divorced more than once.

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Apr 25 2009

Hey You Dropped Your Baggage

Published by under Advice

The top three dating complaints of single men in their 50s:

· Dating partners who have a lot of “baggage” (42 percent)

· Women who “become difficult to get along with” after the first few dates (28 percent)

·Women who want to get too serious too fast (18 percent)

The top three complaints of women:

· That baggage thing (35 percent)

· Not having a clue where to meet men, and meeting too few new men (23 percent)

· Overeager guys who want to get real serious real fast (21 percent)

· Have not had a date in the last year. (43 percent)

The other figures are interesting but we’re talking about baggage. You’ll notice that all the men’s complaints come down to baggage and the first and third of the women’s complaints are about baggage.

(I don’t know about you, but I also noticed that 70% of men complain about baggage and 35% of women. Twice as many. What’s that about? Let’s bookmark that question.)

“Baggage” is not really a technical term and so it’s one of those things that we all know what it is when we see it but are hard pressed to say exactly what it is.

I’m not going to do a survey of literature, but I do want to acknowledge that what I’m going to say here is only one position in discussion, a discussion in which soothing voices of healing professionals can become quite sharp.

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Apr 25 2009

How To Work A Room As A Midlife Single

Published by under Advice

I’m a bit of an introvert. That means that my consciousness is captured by all the information coming in at me. An extravert would be charged up by a room of 50. I am overwhelmed. So I had to think through how to handle myself in a setting like that. How do I meet so many new people. How do I enjoy myself. Here is some of what I’ve learned.

Someone told me once that the word, “courtesy,” contains in it the word, “court.” Courtesy is how people were supposed to act when they were at a royal court. It is a kind of social ritual, a set of rules for how to act regardless of the personalities of the people you are dealing with. Such rituals make social dealings go smoothly. That is the purpose of courtesy.

The most important rule of courtesy in a large social setting is the rule that anyone gets to talk to anyone for three or four minutes.

What happens in the first four minutes of a conversation? Actually quite a bit. You usually learn someone’s education, social class, and personal taste and values. You learn how well they listen. You learn how generous they are interpersonally.

The other thing you are doing here in using the four minute window is stepping past “the stranger threshold”, that built-in instinct we have which keeps us away from strangers. Once the two of you have stepped across the stranger threshold, you can speak to each other again easily.

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Apr 25 2009

What Harry Sanborn can Teach us about Some Single Midlife Men.

Published by under Culture

By the end of Nancy Meyer’s movie. Something’s Gotta Give, the lead character, Harry Sanborn, Jack Nicholson’s character, shows promise of finally being a mensch, a man of honor who can be trusted. We don’t know if he’s there yet, but he’s there enough that when Erica opens up to him again, at the end, we aren’t afraid for her.

When I was in Rome I saw the statues of Greek Heroes. Seven feet tall. Enough larger than life to be heroic, but close enough to human scale that I could relate and feel cowed. Harry is like that, just bigger enough than life to carry a movie, but close enough to people I’ve known, including, me.
Before the midlife wake-up call, a charming, and immature guy.

When we meet Harry, he’s a sixty year old guy who has perfected an adolescent male’s dream. He’s got the money, the power, the fame, the car, the pad and the impossibly gorgeous trophy women. The fact that he’s as much a trophy screw for the women as they are for him doesn’t bother him. It’s how he likes it.

I had a chance to see a pre-shooting script of the movie and the planned opening had him speaking about being afraid to grow old and a cruel fantasy about him being seen with a woman his own age. I liked the final cut better. It opens with him musing about mature young women at the height of their sexual powers and him uniquely positioned (to coin a phrase) to sample the batch of them.

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Apr 25 2009

Dating and Mating Dances at Midlife

Published by under Miscellaneous

It’s Spring and you know what happens. For the next few weeks, in the fields and forests, the birds and the beasts are doing their mating dances. We too, by instinct, perform a mating dance. The human mating dance is called dating.

A mating dance is a way for two creatures to work out whether they are going to have a certain, special relationship, which includes sex; it also includes certain understandings, expectations and obligations. A mating dance is not just matter of whether or not they are agreeing to do The Big It, it is also a matter of how they are going to get along, the Big How. This is the fundamental dynamic in dating.
Mating Dating Negotiating
In the Ken Burns 12 part documentary on jazz, Wynton Marsalis opens the series with this statement: “The real power of jazz and the innovation of jazz was that a group of people could come together and improvise art and can negotiate their agendas and that negotiation is the art.” I was struck by that last phrase, that the negotiation itself is the art. There it is again, the Big How.

In dating also, negotiation itself is the art. It’s not some specific goal or event dinner, sex, vacation plans — that really matters; the goal is to create a process, an ongoing relationship. It’s not what you get, it’s how you get there. Everything is foreplay.

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Apr 25 2009

Factoids from the Wild World of Dating

Published by under Advice

It Really Is a Jungle Out There…

Mate Poaching
. I think this term was coined by evolutionary psychologist, David Buss. It’s quite common. Just as you suspected. And it is especially common in the de-regulated world of midlife dating. 20% of long term relationships begin when one or both partners are involved with others. This holds steady across age groups and couples who are married, living together or dating. From current Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a survey of 16,000 men and women in 53 countries. 60% men and 40% women have attempted to entice others who were already committed to others for short term flings. 47% men and 32% women succumbed.

Poachers tended to be people who were adventuresome, sexually attractive, and willing to talk about sex. Those who cheated tended to be people with high self-esteem but were selfish, distrusting and immodest. Also, the more a culture allowed for equality between men and women, the more likely it was that men and women did equal cheating and poaching.

Further, this is generally known. In a study in Britain, forty-five percent of women owned up to secretly checking the text messages on their partner’s phone, compared to 31 percent of men.

Among younger people, nine percent of Britons admitted to dumping a partner by sending an MS text message on a cell phone. Among those aged 15 to 24, the figure rises to 20 percent.

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