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Mar 08 2011

Love, collaboration, co-creation, lessons from soccer and music, and personal creativity in an intimate relationship

Published by at 9:50 am under Knowing Relationships BLOG

Last night at the cinefamily theatre, (www.cinefamily.org) we were treated to a live presentation of a tv pilot by Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant. What struck me most was their chemistry, how they overlapped each other when they spoke and egged each other. Thomas was dominant, clearly and Ben supported but it seemed to work both ways that the result was brilliant and insightful comedy.

I thought of those studies of pre-school kids where the dominant one in a group always had on particularly loyal and, in a sense, dominant follower and it was the axis between them that organized the rest of the group.

In the map of the good romantic relationship, we see partners do this for each other. This is one sense of secure base, the one who is present and actively following and appreciating and responding to what has been said and done.

I sat in on a play rehearsal. It was what they call a salon reading and the actors stand at a lectern and speak to the audience, telling their stories. The director and one of the actors didn’t like each other. No matter what the actor did, the director responded with reservation. I, in contrast, was very interested in what the actor had to say and how she told her story. And so she spoke her entire piece to me. I listened with all my heart and she calmed down and her reading came more alive and later thanked me.

I took a guitar lesson from a lovely man from Argentina who had performed in Montreal. I wanted to learn from him. He was some 30 years younger than me. Before the lesson I played for him and he attended to deeply to my playing that this alone improved it.

In a good relationship, this is a vital component. And it has to work both ways.

Attend is a very interesting word. It means to help, to assist. In French it means to wait.
The two meanings are collapsed in the sense I’m using it. Sometimes the best way to help is to wait and pay (that word again) attention.

I was also deeply affected earlier this week by a French documentary film called Zidane,
Un portrait du 21e siècle. It is half sports documentary have conceptual art installation. It is one soccer game filmed with 21 cameras all focusing on this man, Zinedine Zidane who is perhaps one of the greatest athletes in the world. He is to soccer what Michael Jordan was to basketball. The movie is about his focus, what it’s like for him in “the zone,” that area of complete relaxation and complete attention and readiness for anything. Occasionally he explodes into brilliant action, but most of the time he watches and is ready.

In a great intimate relationship, this is one essential gift we give to each other, and we can only give it well when we are solid and secure within ourselves.

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2 responses so far

2 Responses to “Love, collaboration, co-creation, lessons from soccer and music, and personal creativity in an intimate relationship”

  1. Omaron 13 Mar 2011 at 8:43 am

    “Before the lesson I played for him and he attended to deeply to my playing that this alone improved it. ”

    I can definitely relate to the sort of inner transformation that happens just from feeling like something you have done has been really appreciated.

  2. Wednesdayon 19 Dec 2011 at 5:47 pm

    This insight’s just the way to kick life into this dbaete.