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Jul 17 2009

A Midlife Crisis

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SUBJECT: A Midlife Crisis

Dear Dr. Philip,

I am 45 yrs old. I was in a long term relationship with a woman, and she asked me to move out. Friday, which was three days before the deadline she gave me, I came home from work to find the front of the house littered with black plastic garbage bags which turned out to be filled with some of my things. The locks had been changed and a terse note taped to the door which advised me to remove my things within 48 hours. She took the majority of my things and either gave them away or sold them.

I did not deserve this treatment. I could not work, could not concentrate. I was alone homeless and very overwhelmed. I am employed. I helped with the living expenses. I purchased things for the home, like a stove, dishwasher, TV and other things. I remodeled the bathroom. I don’t drink or do drugs. I never fooled around.  I helped her mother out. I was a friend to her daughter, and participated in parent teacher conferences and her church.

We did have problems.  I was coming out of a bad stretch in my life where I was unemployed for a long time (2-3 yrs) and did not have my finances in order, nor did I have a lot of stuff. And due to prior cancer treatment I was not able to perform sexually as often as she would like.

But I gave what I had freely and without reservation. I endured her taunts about my sexual performance, and her ridicule about my financial situation. She was always super concerned about her physical appearance. I was never in her league and she would let me know it.

Now that this situation has passed, I feel like I will never marry or have a family. I do not date and don’t know anyone to ask out. Even if I did I would not inflict myself on them. I am ashamed and embarrassed.  So I guess I will have to spend the rest of my life alone. There is still an empty place in my heart.  I have no family, and those friends I thought I had are lining up to make time with the ex.

Oh, I am in counseling, but the counselor is not helping. I am getting angrier and angrier. I am acting out and saying and doing things that hurt people. I am forgetting to pay bills. my life is falling apart. I cannot sleep, I binge eat and I am gaining weight.  I am spending all of my time alone. I do not know anyone to even go out for coffee with.

Will I get past this? Will I find someone? What do I do? Please help.

John

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