Tag Archive 'stages'

May 20 2010

How to not get ahead of yourself when you are creating a new relationship.

Evaluating Relationship Readiness in Yourself and in a Potential Partner.

by Philip Belove, Ed.D.

Being single at midlife is a form of midlife crisis.

“Oh, no, not me,” you say. “I’m the good one. The crisis is what the other person is having.” But the truth is, when a couple breaks up, they are both in a crisis.

A crisis is a situation in which, no matter what you do, something new is going to happen.

There are doors in life that only go one way. Once you’ve walked through them, you can’t walk back. Being suddenly single at midlife is one of those doors. And someone who’s walked through it is in a crisis.

Is a person in midlife crisis really ready for a long term relationship?

Usually not. But there are lots of people out there like that, not yet ready for re-marriage or its equivalent and none the less acting like they are. There are others who don’t know what they are looking for. As you no doubt know, not everyone out there is honest, even with themselves.

What determines the kind of a relationship a person in a midlife crisis is ready for?

Relationship readiness. There are four stages to a midlife crisis. In each stage there is a change in both the kind of relationship a person wants and what the person is capable of. Each stage has a different kind of relationship readiness.

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May 20 2010

“Okay. What’s this guy really like?”

Will Your Partner Treat You Well?
By Philip Belove, Ed.D.
Director, Dating At Midlife Research Project

When people first enter into relationships, they are generally on their best behavior. However, even in the early stages, new couples reveal how they will treat each other in the future. The problem is that this critical information is often obscured by the swarm of other new information that comes when you first meet someone.

So how do you know how someone is going to treat you over the long haul when you are just starting a relationship? There are loads of clues. Here are some of them. (I’m going to talk about how women can read men. The same principles apply in the other direction.)

How Does He Treat His Male Friends?
I have a friend who has loads of people he’s angry at, who did him wrong, who he doesn’t speak to anymore. I thought I was the exception to all those other people. This was my vanity. The inevitable happened, and one day I found myself on the other end of the same kind of fight he’d been describing.

What If He Says That He Treats Women Differently?
This is courtship behavior. However, when it’s time to deal with differences in situations of conflict, people actually treat men and women much the same. If they have a tendency to bully, intimidate and be aggressive, that comes out. If they have a tendency to manipulate and be dishonest, that comes out. And if they are fair, forgiving and direct, that comes out as well.

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Apr 25 2009

The Stages of Midlife Dating

Published by under Advice

Dating at midlife is one of those topics where everyone who has done it has a strong, opinion. But there is a difference between having an opinions and having a point of view.

After years of academic and clinical research, after a couple hundred of interviews and thousands of pages of outlines and notes, (I started the Dating at Midlife (DML) research project in 1995, seven years ago) I have developed a point of view and the web site and this newsletter reflect it.

Here then is the model which I’ve evolved for helping Midlife Singles get what they want for themselves.

Being single at midlife is a form of midlife crisis. It doesn’t matter whether you are the leave-r or leave-ee. The crisis may not hit you at divorce and may wait until your second divorce. The crisis might hold off until the break-up of your first big post-divorce love affair, the one you thought would save you. Or the crisis may hit you when you realize you are over 40 and never married ever.

What is a crisis?

There are doors in life that only go one way. You walk through them, click!, and there is no going back. You are not in Kansas anymore. The only way out is forward into the unknown. That’s a crisis.

In the single-at-midlife crisis, you find yourself at 40 or 50-something years old with energy, sexuality and time to spare, and single. What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Another relationship? Never another relationship? What?

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Mar 30 2009

Welcome to Datingatmidlife.com

Published by under Miscellaneous

You are a midlife adult now.

You can learn to create and manage your relationships.

You can get what you really want.

Welcome to Datingatmidlife.com

Being single and dating is so different at midlife that I’ve created a special  site with help, advice and resources. I’m a real human being, as you are-  not some kind of big business corporate organization, and I really care about helping you find fulfillment in your relationships!

You CAN create an exciting, fulfilling life partnership life. But don’t be too hard on yourself if you haven’t yet. Here are some of the real challenges you face as a single person at midlife:

Finding yourself single at midlife is a form of midlife crisis, and it doesn’t matter whether you left the relationship or it left you, it’s still your crisis.

In a crisis, there is no way back to what used to be “normal”. No matter what you do, something new must happen.

Midlife dating is confusing because there are four stages to the midlife crisis for single people (check out my article on the stages of midlife dating). In each stage there is a different way you have to take care of yourself and a different set of lessons to learn.

Success in partnerships at midlife demands higher level skills and more self knowledge. Which skills? What kind of self-knowledge? How do you learn about something if you don’t know that you don’t know it?

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